turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
