You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
