Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
