Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
