I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
