so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
