I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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