id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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