I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it's like iHOP with fire
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
