I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
