I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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