I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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