I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
