wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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