I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
