i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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