JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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