I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
