i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
