She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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