so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize