Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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