he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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