Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You need Xanax blowdarts
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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