how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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