Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
