omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's get the cat blown out
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
