i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Found the puke drawer
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
