I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Randomize
