just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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