Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
