This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
