I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
