Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
