The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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