You're earring is so big in my mouth
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
