i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
