I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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