If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
