Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
