i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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