You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
