i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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