Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
