So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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