Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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