I'm so fucking centered right now
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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