you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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