when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
