apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
