in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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