P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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