I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
