i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize