True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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