I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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