i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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