I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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