I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
