I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
