WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dignity is for republicans.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
