Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
