seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
