So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
