I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Actions speak louder than pants.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
